Can Take Only So Much

My pain has been rearing it’s ugly head in full force.  While I was in England, I started to feel it like it was before things were put under partial control with the narcotic pain meds.  Sleeping has become a chore, and I can’t move around much.  Even sitting at the computer is exhausting.  My shoulders, elbows and wrists cramp up making most tasks close to impossible.  I get wiped out taking a shower.  The one thing I can do is smile and talk.  It helps me to not think about my pain when I’m talking, so I’ve been on the phone with friends a lot.

Today I decided the only way to combat this was to try and ignore it.  Before when I’d want a distraction, I knew that my politeness would override my pain; so if I could be in a social situation things would be easier.  My good friend called and invited me to do a bit of Christmas shopping with her.  I thought this was a good plan.

Despite my agony, I had to get out of the house.  I met up with her around eleven.  At first, everything seemed okay.  I was achy, but I’d taken my pain meds and done an instillation.  We made it through the first store when friend, out of the blue, rubbed my back and cinched her eyebrows together, “Seriously sweetie, if you’re not okay let’s get you home.  We can do this another time.”

My plan wasn’t working.

I assured her everything was fine; we should keep going.  One more hour wouldn’t kill me.

We went to lunch, where I ate questionable food.  I took my acid tablets, so I thought it would be okay.  I only was eating a little bit of rye flour.

After lunch we went to one more store.  At that store my legs started to stop working.  I pushed along, smiling.  Friend was getting more and more concerned.  “Seriously, I’ll see you Monday.  You need to get home and rest before it’s past the point of no return.”

I agreed.  Then I looked at my watch and realized that I had to get Haleigh in ten minutes.  Screw getting home to rest.

Once at the school I thought I would grab Haleigh and get my ass home.  It was an hour past the absolute latest time for my pain meds, and I was slipping fast.  At school it suddenly hit me that today is Friday; tumbling day.  I wouldn’t be going home for another hour.  I thought to myself, I can do this.

In her class I couldn’t get comfortable.  I was shifting in my chair, standing up then sitting down.  Going to the bathroom every ten minutes.  With twenty minutes left in the lesson, I mulled over the idea of running home and taking my pills but that seemed silly.  The pills wouldn’t kick in, and I’d miss watching Youngest.

By the time the hour was up I couldn’t walk.  Youngest helped me to the car.  We drove home.  I walked slowly to the couch and melted.  I needed Husband home, now.  Crisis mode was initiated.  I couldn’t stop crying.  Youngest brought my pills to me with water.  I took them.  Oldest made dinner.  I cried some more.

The moral of this story is that I can’t be in denial anymore.  That ship has sailed.  I am sick.  Too sick to miss pills.  Too sick to shop for two hours.  Too sick to be normal.



~ by blanketgirl on November 6, 2009.

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