God Sometimes

I’m back in an indecisive stage as far as my belief system, or the lack there of.  I was raised in an intensely religious family which effectively brain washed me into believing that God was an angry God to be feared, and that if I were found to be a dirty sinner, I would be taken care of accordingly.  Bad, bad mojo baby.  However if I were Good, everything would be taken care of.  Like a mob boss in the sky always watching my back and warning my problems to back the hell off before they get cut.

Sister and I were discussing the situation last Tuesday.  I had stated that I’d watched a program on TV that introduced us to a new hominid that they believe to be the earliest example of us; our own individual species before it evolved, not chimpanzees.  I thought about this and thought that if we had evolved to where we are now, that Adam and Eve couldn’t have been the beginning (I should note here that I know the bible is a grouping of stories, not fact, but still).  Sis was quite surprised that I have hit that spot where I’m not sure if I am a believer, again.  I go through this in an almost cyclical fashion.  For some time I had become an advocate for prayer.  I felt like even if there wasn’t a God, the idea of praying helped me voice my innermost concerns and that hearing things out loud would help me become more effective in my life.  The side effect being that if there is a God, then of course I’m being a Good God Communicator and will Go To Heaven.

I swish God around in my brain mouth.  Is it sweet or sour?  Will it make me sick?  Will it be a magic healer?  I know for a fact that I struggle with my illness and how that whole situation works out with God.  The religion I grew up in dictates that in the pre-mortal existence we as angels were all shown by God our life path and that we agreed that we would take that specific walk just for the chance of obtaining a mortal body.  I have equated that to letting a three year old cook an elaborate meal on their own because they said, “I do it meself!”  I suppose the truth of the matter is that I’m mad I’m sick and want to blame God, but am thankful to be alive, most of the time.  So, sorry God.  I think.

I also wonder about the theory that if I suffer through something it’s because I’m so strong that my suffering will teach others valuable lessons about themselves.  What?!?

My Sister emailed a blog to me with this quote:

“I was caught in an unbreakable problem: The Church is True; God has promised to tell you of its truth (as told in the Church’s own scriptures); all those who pray with a sincere heart and real intent will know this truth; I did not receive this answer; See Item 1. The church had to be true, which meant God had to fulfil his promise which meant I must be Unworthy.”

I’m still trying to work out what I think and believe and feel.  Maybe I just have too much waking time on my hands to over think these things.  Maybe I should just…

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~ by blanketgirl on October 23, 2009.

One Response to “God Sometimes”

  1. When we’ve been raised with these things, we kinda need to work them out one way or another. Be it acceptance, rejection, thinking/exploring/feeling our way through our own truth, not just what we recieved or even anger or apathy.

    Shuffling it away may work, I’ve tended to have to think about it myself though. YMMV.

    Still, you know we all coo’ with it however it comes out, eh.

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