Love Peace

Today was an adventure in reawakening my piano love.  I purchased the books I need to teach the girls how to play.  Now that the piano sounds so smooth and delicious, it’s time to begin.  Lessons start tomorrow.  Whoo hoo!

I also purchased a wonderful metronome.  I haven’t ever owned one, yet always wanted one, and when I was at the store Husband encouraged me to buy what I needed (he gets a substantial discount from working there).  I could have sat on the floor of the music section and perused books for hours.  As a matter of fact, I did.  The kids didn’t find it nearly as fascinating, so their fussing was a distraction, but we all survived.  Soon they’ll love the music books as much as I do.  Once the piano is mastered, if you love it, it’s a life long delight to find new music to play.

I found Tori Amos “The Singles” and have been messing around with all the songs this afternoon.  It’s simplified, but lovely.  I didn’t think I’d like the easier versions, but I’m finding that since it is so easy, I can sing along.  There’s also no time lost learning the piece, I can just play it by sight.  I went into my own little world.

When I was a twelve I had a passion for Depeche Mode.  The “Anthology” book was one of my lesson books.  My teacher would assign a new song for me to learn each week.  When I would play in that book, I would forget the day, the time, and whomever was around me and disappear into myself and the music.  Every emotion I was feeling would go straight into what I was playing and the songs would sound spectacular.

It’s been years since I’ve gone to that static place.  The music I played would cleanse my soul.  Every Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy, and Tschaikowsky (and countless other composers) would elicit a different feeling, helping me relax.  I could just be in the moment and not think about anything else.

I spoke to my Dad.  I shared with him my distress over this particularly long and painful flare.  He stated that my grandmother, whom has health issues, keeps herself busy painting; if she doesn’t she has a moment to focus on herself and feels the pain more acutely.

I thought about that and have somewhat concluded that I might be feeling this flare more intensely because the pain level or duration haven’t changed, my stress level has.  I usually have so much stress that I don’t have the time to think about myself.  I would only feel the flare when it was so bad it was crippling.

I back tracked in my notes and entries and found that the flare began (and held on), soon after all my worries were put to rest.  The mortgage had been paid three months in advance, so I didn’t have that to worry about.  Husband’s job was secure, so no worries there.  The kids are happy and cared for, earning good marks in school, so no worries about them.  The health care is all situated so I have nothing to fret about as far as that goes.

Now that I have this time, I’m allowing myself to feel it.  I’m not blocking it out so I can have the energy to deal with more important things. I don’t know if my theory is right or wrong, I just know that nothing has changed in my diet or life, except for my problems being resolved.  This is the most peaceful financial place I’ve been in in my entire married life.  If in fact the flare is related to my stress level, I need to make some peace for myself and give my mind an outlet like I did all those years ago.

In an effort to do that, I rearranged the sewing room and set up my easel and art supplies.  I made a list of the tasks I want to complete around the house and organized the supplies to complete them. I can’t guarantee that I’ll feel well enough to do something creative everyday, but I’m going to try.

I can’t make my pain go away, or control it, but I can distract myself.  I thought about it some more and can’t believe that I’ve finally, after fourteen years, come to a place in my life that I have time to worry about myself.  Wow.

I sat down at my piano with my Tori book and lost a few hours.  It was wonderful.  I still had the pain, but my focus was so far from it that I could almost forget about it.

I can’t fix my health, but  I can help myself find peace.

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~ by blanketgirl on June 8, 2009.

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