In Another


Yuck.  Ouch.  Sob.

I don’t have much to say.  I have a hard time concentrating when my pain is so intensely present.

I find myself breaking into random jags of crying.  For example, today was library day.  The girls and I were driving down the road and tears just started rolling down my face.  I found myself pulling over to wipe them away.  I couldn’t see through the blur.  How frustrating.  Not to mention my poor kids having to watch this.  They know why I’m upset.  They want to help but can’t.  I get hugs and kisses which help me feel better emotionally, but the physical pain doesn’t go away.  I do have to force myself to stop crying or the kids get scared.  I hate being like this around the people I love.  I want them to see me happy like I used to be.  Stupid Interstitial Cystitis.

I try to go about my normal business but everything is jilted.  I had a massive list of  things I wanted to accomplish today.  Only two things happened, the library and buying bathing suits for the girls.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll get to dying my hair.  For now I’m just wearing a hat.

Okay.  Let’s see….what’s a good thing that’s happened, you ask?  Well, little doggy is being as cuddly and loving as ever.  She sits with me on the couch and licks my hand.  She always is extra sweet when I’m in a down turn.  I was notified that the local media will be picking up part of our story that’s being featured in a mag.  That’s exciting.  Little doggy is a super star!

Husband brought home a gorgeous poster of Gibson guitars.  I managed to get it framed and will mount it tomorrow.  It’s quite nice with all the Gibson designs featured.  We’re such music junkies that I’m eager to have it hanging in my room.

Now for a weird thing.  I’ve been having nightmares again.  The night terrors had ended about a month ago, and are now back.  They are terribly fearful dreams that attack my greatest insecurities.  I wake up not wanting to go back to sleep.  I’ve noticed that whenever I’m having a deliciously gorgeous dream and wake up suddenly, I try to hold onto that sleepy goodness in the hopes that it will begin again when I doze off and it never does.  It doesn’t morph into something horrible, it’s just not the nice pleasant dream I’d been enjoying.

When it’s a bad dream, the more I try to forget it and dream something else, I can’t.  The dream holds on like an angry pitbull.  Last night I ended up in a cold sweat asking Husband to reinforce that he did indeed love me and wasn’t going anywhere.  Thank goodness for knitting.  It was my friend for three hours or so.  Luckily when I did go back to sleep I was so tired I don’t remember any dreams.

Tomorrow is a new day.  A fresh start.  I promise to try and think of an interesting topic to write on aside from the fascinating aspects of living with IC.  As far as this being a journal goes it’s working, but for general reading it must be a drag.


~ by blanketgirl on May 7, 2009.

One Response to “In Another”

  1. I’d rather you were honest than not.

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