Here Here Now

I was very excited to find Tori’s new video posted for “Maybe California”.  I love this song.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I’ve listened to it about twenty times now.  I can’t wait for my deluxe set of CD’s to arrive in May!  A perfect Mother’s Day gift to myself.  I love her.  I’m such an ear with feet.  Her music touches my soul so perfectly.

She provided a beautiful quote with the video:


“There are people in our lives, and we all know them, that are able to give even in the darkest of times,” Amos, who has an 8-year-old daughter, Natashya, says. “Even when they seem depleted. But somehow by giving, they gain this magical light. Even the most giving person needs a gift every once and a while, just to know they are seen and appreciated. ‘Maybe California’ is my gift to you.”

I would like to think of myself as one of the people she references.  For the amount of bitching I do here, it’s essentially the only outlet I have for my emotions about how I feel (aside from my weekly conversations with Ezekiel and Weasel).  I’m always there for my kids as an active loving part of their lives.  They rarely know I’m having a bad bit of symptoms unless they’re with husband when he retrieves me from the hospital.

My family didn’t even know I was having a rough day yesterday because I didn’t show it.  I stayed out of sight and earshot.  I didn’t want to scare the kids, or make husband upset (he wants to help and can’t).  After the kids went to bed, after my shower, husband asked me directly how I was doing and I broke down.  I can’t lie to him.  I cried for a good half hour.  He ran his finger tips up and down my back.  Sadly, when I hurt that bad all touch is excruciating so I flinch.  I don’t mean to.  I feel bad when I do it.  Instead of being offended, husband now asks if I need some water and a percocet.

In my public life I’m always smiling and bubbly.  If anyone asks me how I’m doing I always reply, “Great!”  If I were to answer any differently I’d feel like they’d pity me, and I already feel bad enough without having to hold the guilt of ruining someone else’s day.  I received a card anonymously one day with a message of “You inspire me”.  It seemed weird, but I’ve held onto it.  My attitude is helping someone.  I’ve had others comment that they are surprised at how upbeat I am; how I’m always optimistic.  When asked if I was sad to be disabled, I answered, “No!  Now I get the good parking!”  I think part of it is that I don’t want sympathy.  I’d rather be the eternal laughing monkey.

Today has been better.  The pain is slightly diminished yet the numbness is about the same.  I still have the charlie horses in my calves and hips, but am relieved I didn’t have to go to the hospital.  I have been taking some additional morphine, it’s really helping – maybe that’s why the pain has diminshed…hah!  I just have to hope that I don’t have any more attacks like this one or I won’t have enough medication left for the next two weeks.  Maybe it’s time to call the pain doctor again.  Damn.

Last night I spent three hours knitting in bed.  The loom is great because it doesn’t require me to use my hands that  much.  I lay in bed changing directions and methods as my arms and hands go numb.  I love how versatile this hobby is.  I can’t believe I’ve already finished two skeins of yarn and am halfway through the third!  Only one and a half left and my first afghan is complete.  I’ll post pictures!


~ by blanketgirl on April 27, 2009.

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