So Does The Pain

So yes, the pain.

It felt strange not writing last night, but I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t.  It hurts so much.  Between the numb-just-waking-up-from-sleep muscle sensations, joint pain and IC flare I can’t think.  I keep trying to pretend it’s fine.  I get so desperate imagining that this feeling, this horrid torture, is my life until I die.

Any time I hold still in one position for more than thirty seconds the body part being held goes numb with sleep, only to awake with burning sparks.  My sister called it peripheral neuropathy.  Apparently this sensation has been hers as well.  I plan on discussing this with my rheumatologist, as this is somewhat of a new feeling.  Before I would go numb, but it wouldn’t burn and tingle like this.

I can’t walk comfortably due to the permanent charlie horses in my calves and hips.  The bottoms of my feet can’t tolerate the pressure of walking.

I slept for most of the day today.  I had a dream I was riding a bicycle down a giant hill in the coutryside.  The wind rushed by me.  I closed my eyes and felt it whispering by my cheeks.  I had on a lovely skirt that billowed and felt so happy, pure joy.  I’d like to dream all the time.  Actually, I’d like to trade places.  Make the dream my reality and have the reality be my nightmare.

Obviously I’m depressed.  I hate it when the flares hold on so long.  The pain is too much.  The moment the pain medications wear off I’m unable to speak; the pain takes my breath away.  If I have no improvement by tomorrow, it’s back to hospital.  Damn it.

Tonight I’ve taken my morphine and percocet.  I’ve given myself a bladder installation.  I’m drinking lots of water.

Two happy thoughts:

One, my sweet Ezeikiel is sending me the new Depeche Mode album.  Love it!  Can’t wait to hear it!  I try not to be this late getting a new release, so I’m thrilled to have it.

Two, I was able to preorder the new deluxe edition of “Abnormally Attracted to Sin” with the autographed CD booklet.  I’ve never owned anything signed by Tori. I’m waiting very eagerly to read the booklet and see the featurettes.  Each concert I’ve attended she opted not to visit with fans pre-show.  I hold no animosity.  Maybe I’ll meet her next time.  I would love for her to announce her concert dates so I can have one more chance.  Oh, and I preordered for Ezeikiel too.

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~ by blanketgirl on April 26, 2009.

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