Flying Dutchman

This is horribly geeky of me, but I was surfing and found a performance on YoutTube of the PS22 fifth grade choir.  They have recorded a version of “Flying Dutchman” by Tori that I can’t stop enjoying. 

There is a line in the song that talks about ‘comic book tattoos’.  I love watching little kids say that and understand it.  There is such a wisdom in their eyes that I’m glad they’ve aquired, yet dissapointed that life faced them with the challenge of meeting those sorts of obstacles at such a young age.  Tattoo’s are great.  I have eight.  I just think it would have been crazy hard for me to understand Tori lyrics when I was that young.  There’s a certain amount of experience I think you have to have to make it real when it’s personal like that.  Go choir teacher for finding something that makes those kids feel like true performers; and getting the performance.

I’m gonna get a little stupid and generalized here, so please don’t hold it against me.  I think it is so sad that there is such a lack of balance in this world that 5th graders are totally in on the disillusionment.  They had it all figured out by 4 years old – I missed the bus somewhere.  So strangely wise.  I’m either mentally slow emotionally when it comes to relationships and life, or I was totally sheltered.  Who knows.

Okay.  I got that out of my system.

I talked to my Dad today and we were sad about our deceased dogs together.  We’ve both lost children.  I never thought this would be the common ground I could rest on with my Dad.  I love that he has the same feelings of seeing them out of the corner of his eye.  Missing them so much. 

I guess I should note here that I have been a bad ‘debbie-rr’ or something close to that I just hate – with my sister – the word ‘blog’.  That’s not a fucking word!  Plus it sounds like stuck phlegm!

I digress.  My hubby and I had to put our first child, our doggie baby Ocean, to ‘sleep’ on April 3rd.  It kills me that I killed her.  I struggle with it more now than I thought I would.  God I loved that dog.  I really loved her.  She was 17 1/2 years old.  Her birthday is in June.  Animals are just like people.  You’ll never meet anyone exactly the same.  My Ocean will never be replaced.  I think the hardest part is watching my boy dog Miles, who is 5, grieve for her. 

I let him outside and he finds the spots in the yard where Ocean used to go, and just settles in very carefully and lies there.  He looks at the sun and sleeps while he takes these deep breathes sucking in every inch of her smell.  He really loves her and misses her.

I miss her.  I really don’t understand why I do this to myself.  I keep loving and loving just to get it yanked.  What to do?

Look there’s a chicken!!

I have been taking my daughter to her counseling appointments for six years, and our family issues count as my daughter’s.  I had explained some difficulty I have with the heirarchy of friendly relationships.  For example: If my 11 year old wants to go play with another 11 year old I, for some crazy reason, have to be friends with the kiddos Mom.  WHAT?  Just play for Christ sake.  I need to meet the Mom and Dad, to make sure they aren’t scarier than me, but I don’t want a new best friend. 

As I explained this, Doc suggested I read a book that would help me understand.  He stated he would have it for me the next week.  When I picked it up the following week, it was “Asperger’s Syndrome” by Tony Attwood.  Fabulous.  I asked, “Does this mean I have Asperger’s, or do you think I’ve ‘evolved’ so to speak to help my daughter?  He suggested I meet with a different therapist and provided cards.  Shit. 🙂

I plan on taking things one step at a time.  Crying out loud!, how many disorders can one person have?  I know there are others out there that have it so much worse than I.  I guess I’m just selfish?  Sorry, just the cynical side of me coming through.  Everyone has challenges; most of them far more substantial than my tired issues.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  it helps me to barf my subconscious up like this every once and awhile.   



~ by blanketgirl on May 5, 2008.

One Response to “Flying Dutchman”

  1. I makes me sad to think there are people out there who have never had the honour of having a pet be a familial part of their lives. Everyone should have a chance to make that bond.

    And regardless, I think it is very insensitive of them to belittle your grief like that. Bastards.

    I’m sorry that your body keeps finding new ways to surprise you…

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