Shred in Ribbons of Lithium

I recently had a job offer extended to my husband in Virginia.  I hear it’s a lovely place.  It has an international airport, so I can reach the ones I need in 6 hours or less.  The weather is seasonal as opposed to the super hot days followed by the freezing cold nights of the desert.

I’m completely freaking out.  I’m scared.  I have all these treatments coming up, not to mention the long term surgeries, plus the major one.  Don’t forget the recovery time.  The main thing I need right now is to relax.  I just can’t.  I can’t think; I can’t move.  I can’t visualize ‘white’ anymore.

Somehow, when you’re nervous or upset, children sense it.  My children won’t let me have my own freak out moment.  When am I allowed to scream outloud?  When am I aloud to feel something private?  The typo was not a typo.  I need to feel a great ‘aloud’. 

This is so much for me.  I can hardly take the pressure.  My body is tight, my mind is tired.  I can’t sleep.  Yet I’m exhausted from thinking; and working, to prepare for the bills.

I only have two weeks before this surgery, or my demise, as I see it.  I almost died last time.  How will this guy save me?  Will he care?  I’ve had his nurse tell me heroic stories of patients saved all over the state because of his expertise, but I’m still terrified.

My family has met my dragon tonight.  As of now I am in my cave of solitude.  I can’t be reached.  My brain hurts as well as my body and I’m just done.  Fork me. 

I spoke to my Mother tonight.  I apparently haven’t given her enough credit.  After telling my Dad about the trip to VA, I asked him to keep it from my mother.  My Dad spilled everything.  He told her about the trip to VA.  He told her how my nerves are reacting to the surgery, everything.  There were no secrets.  I feel like I’m 15 again.  Emotions bare for them to entangle based on their intertwined whims.  At least she had the decency to not hide the truth. 

I’m naked on the pavement watching my skin burn.  I wish I could flip, but I’m just done.

I wish there were a way to take my brain and shove it into something else, maybe a loaf of bread?  Then people would take from me and I would welcome it.  They would remove my crust and I’d feel lighter.  The yeast would help me rise up against.  All that would remain would be my fluffy inside – for them to pull apart leaving nothing. 

Sadly for me, I’m surprised when the crust is removed; scared when I can’t feel my loaf.  Empty when the middle disappears.  All control is gone – soon I’ll be pigeon food; if they can swallow it. 

How long can they dry me before they realize I’m disintegrated?

Much of this is a horrible rant, but some of it is true.  I just need to get this over.  I have too much.  I was thinking about how I pray.  I have decided that God likes to challenge me.  My body will break and so will my mind if I have to try myself any further to prove worthiness.  What do you want?  Are you a nice God?  Are you an angry God?  Do I matter?

I spoke to my sister today, who is the only safe haven from insanity, and she told me this is part of the process of denial/acceptance of a long term illness.  I will get through this.  I just need to get.

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~ by blanketgirl on February 20, 2008.

One Response to “Shred in Ribbons of Lithium”

  1. I’m sorry that Dad spilled, did he say why?

    I say again, anything I can do to help please tell me.

    Remember to breathe babe. Love you.

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