Mr. Microphone

I should mention I’m ADHD.  Again.  😛  I have a hard time compressing my thoughts.  After reading my last post I’d like to clarify that I know that my sis is okay.  Her doctors are on top of it and she is improving.  The song actually made me aware of how helpless I was, and that is what I wanted to convey.  The thing ‘coming’ could be health or sickness.  This is the place where the blanket should be wrapping around her.  I should be able to hold her and walk with her.  She’s improving so quick/slow; I can only assume it must be static to her.  

I wrote this blog two nights ago, too scared to post it, but I changed my mind.  

I had the oddest thing happen just now.  I’ve been working through my teenage years; there’s about three years I can’t account for.  I’ve been trying to remember certain things and can’t.  Psych Docs have suggested it is post traumatic stress syndrome.

So there I was sketching in my bedroom.  I drew a picture, and suddenly remembered a painful experience from about the age of 15.  I just started vibrating.

My memory is not something I want to share yet.  It wasn’t fun.  In a way it’s nice to remember, but I have begun to question if it really was like that, or if I have tainted the incident with my own perception. 

I questioned myself … Is this real?  Can I really forget things like that?  I don’t know how to quantify it.  No excuses for the behavior, no running from the feelings.  I keep telling myself it’s okay.  Nothing can be changed, so just remember it and embrace it.  Right?  Everything?  No matter how bad it is?

This is the part where I get angry:

Where the fuck did my parents go?!  Were they interested in me?  Did they love me?  Did they want me?  Did they even like me?  Was I a joke to them?  A toy?  An experiment?  Why didn’t they ever ask me what I thought about things?  I was an innocent, nice kid with hopes and dreams and expectations.  I definitely lacked in self control, however parents are supposed to help you through it, not punish you for it.

How dare they take my childhood away?  Gone.  No getting it back.  I was always told I was the ‘boss’ of my own life, but they crippled me by giving me no authority to make decisions.  Forever I’ve felt the victim to others’ whims because I can’t and don’t have the ability to stand up for myself.  If you’re consistently chastised for behaviors you can’t control you feel like a failure.  

Whew!  That’s the end of that bitch and moan session.  I’m trying to remember good things now.  I will hold those memories in the front, and recognise my strength as a little kid and teen.  Hell, I’m here, right?  So I didn’t do everything wrong….

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~ by blanketgirl on January 25, 2008.

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