Wrong Band

Instead of just leaving, I’m opening my eyes.  I have played a game with myself for many years.  This game is so fun.  Basically, I pretend that the things that are yucky and ugly and immoral in my life don’t exist.  Picture fingers in ears, eyes shut, mouth screaming “LA LA LA LA LA”.  Spittle flying this way and that. 

Instead of working to change the outside factors, I always internalize.  I go in my Igloo of Self and I change my location mentally, like “Google Blanketgirl” (ie: Google Earth).  I type in address location: books.  My escapes vary from the books I write myself,  books I read,  games I complete, or paintings and sketches.  If I needed to be inebriated while escaping, I would find very obscure foreign movies to focus on in the guise of understanding different cultures; but mostly wanting to forget my own.  Happily, all of my intentions have jolly byproducts of learning and growing.  I, as a creative person, inadvertently expose myself to everything that scares me.  When this happens, I’m leaving room for it to intimidate me less and enrich me.

I would like to start a new chapter in my life; where fear doesn’t define me.  I can take a stand against those that are and have hurt me, without hurting them back.  I can find a way to be happy despite the chaos.

In an effort to tame the demon of surgery, I have upped my life insurance.  This doesn’t mean I think something bad will happen, it simply means I’m not hiding.  If I do die, my family will be provided for and then some.  It’s the least I can do, and it makes me feel better.

Don’t just leave.  ‘Stead, open those eyes.  Don’t be afraid.  She is right.   


~ by blanketgirl on January 23, 2008.

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